Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
