I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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