Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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