Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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