did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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