it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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