remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize