She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
