I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
