he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize