Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
