well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
