my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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