When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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