i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
