Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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