I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize