The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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