she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
