Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
