he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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