It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
