the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
