I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
