We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I intend to get homeless drunk
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
