Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
