i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize