What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
