Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
