Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize