A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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