Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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