i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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