My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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