I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
