Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
