im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
