A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
