Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
