Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
