Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
