i always forget guys have bellybuttons
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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