Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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