Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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