I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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