ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
