How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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