I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
