cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
