jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize