Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
