you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
