who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize