Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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